Amazing...My last journal in here was so depressing and sad. I've changed so much. I'm a lot happier than I was then. I remember being out on the steps in front of the school the day after it happened. The van was pulling away and my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. All of a sudden I started to cry, and I couldn't stop. Some of my friends just stared, unsure of what to do. They knew I was hurting, that I was sad and wishing I hadn't been so stupid. I felt so alone, like nothing could ever make me happy ever again. But I found out that it could. Hope. Hope keeps me happy and alive(not that I want to die or anything)Hope that one day, just maybe, I'll be forgiven, that the blame will no longer be put upon me. I wanted them to know that I think they're awesome, I always have. Unlike a lot of my friends' parents, they didn't treat me like I was an idiot, that I was evil and out to get everyone. I in fact, still think that but unfortunately, I don't think they'll ever know that I even now still like them. They love her, I know that. And I'm so happy that they do. Because them loving her, makes her happy as well. I'm finally telling my mom mom how I feel about everything, about what my stepfather did, about feeling neglected when I was little(my mom tended to ignore me and I was usually in daycare or at school)I finally told mom the other day that I'm scared and pretty much unwilling to live with her. I'm too scared she'll relapse and give in again.

I miss her, I really do. Things are hard without her, really hard. At least I can talk to my mom mom about how I feel now. I guess hiding the fact that I loved her wasn't a good thing to hide from my mom mom...I still do, I guess I always will. But right now, we can't be together so I'll try to pay attention to other thing and try not to dwell on it. If I do, I'll get sad, which is neevr good. Merry Meet and Merry Part Until We Merry Meet Again.
~Athena Essence~